


It's All Coming Back To Me Now

by AiLing



Category: This Is Us (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-03 01:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14557941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AiLing/pseuds/AiLing
Summary: After Jack's death, Rebecca has to go on with life and stay strong for their 3 children.





	1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys – this is my first ever ‘This Is Us’ fic, written in conjunction with the This Is Us appreciation week organized by @bigthree on Tumblr :) I’m submitting this piece for This Is Us Appreciation Week day 2- favourite character, because Jack Pearson is my favorite character on the show. <3**

**This takes place shortly after Jack’s death. In this chapter, we’ll explore Rebecca’s POV and how she coped with Jack’s death and how she was feeling a month after his death. Enjoy!**

**P.S. The title inspiration for this chapter is from Celine Dion’s song 'It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.’**

 

**Rebecca’s POV**

The silence in the middle of the night is so loud. I lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

A month has passed since I’ve had to scatter my husband’s ashes under a tree. One month since I’ve lost the love of my life, and had my other half ripped apart from me. One month since life as I knew it ended so abruptly.

I’ve heard that they are 5 stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I may have skipped one or more stages. I was definitely in denial when the doctor first told me that Jack was dead. I casually popped the half-eaten chocolate into my mouth and told the doctor he was out of his mind and to back off. Of course, I found it impossible to believe – just a few minutes ago, the last time I saw Jack, he was fine - sitting up on the hospital bed, teasing me and cracking one of his lame jokes. (Which I now miss so much). But when I rushed back into his room and saw his still body, that’s when the harsh reality sank in – Jack was gone forever. I can barely recall covering my mouth in shock, trying to no avail to suppress the animal-like moan of anguish that escaped my throat as I felt the floor give way from under me and my entire world crumble beneath me.

The infamous question of ‘Why do bad things happen to good people’ popped into my head too.

Jack and I were supposed to live happily ever after. We were supposed to grow old together, to be one of those old couples who are still so in love with each other after many decades of marriage, one of those couples who people envy and younger couples aspire to be. One day, we were making out on the couch and planning to start a new business venture together, and the next day, our dreams were all extinguished by the fire. A fire which started with a malfunctioning crockpot. Who knew that fire, which is essential to mankind could destroy an entire house and family in minutes?

For the past month, I felt like a walking zombie, going through all the motions. The first week of being a widow passed by in a blur. I was physically present but emotionally, I was somewhere else. Yes, I was there at Jack’s funeral, entertaining the guests who came and offered me their most sincere condolences. I faked a smile as I shook their hands and thanked them. I put on a facade, staying strong for everyone to see. People had been calling up to check on me, sending me well-meaning messages or dropping by to give me some prepared meals. I was so grateful for their help, but the fact is – nothing can replace the hole that Jack’s demise left in my heart. After that, when the generous friends stopped visiting, loneliness started to seep in. However, I need to be strong for my three children – they have just lost their father and are grieving too. I can’t show any sign of weakness in front of them, because I am now the leader of the family. I’m supposed to be the strong one, getting it together for the family. I have no choice, I’m the only parent they have left.

Even scattering Jack’s ashes under the special tree couldn’t help me let go of him. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry that night but instead brought the kids to watch a movie, where we tried to no avail to laugh away all our heartbreak and grief.

The 3 children are coping with the loss of their beloved dad in their own ways. Kevin has been spending more and more time at Sophie’s, only returning to our rented apartment at night to sleep. In fact, he now sleeps over at Sophie’s most nights too, so I seldom see him. I know that Sophie is leaving for NYU and he wants to spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves. But he’s my son, and I know that this is his coping mechanism, his way of ignoring the fact that he was in an argument with his dad the last time he saw him. When I ask him about his college applications, he would just snap at me.

Kate seems withdrawn in her own world. I know that she was the closest to Jack and they shared a special father-daughter bond which could not be broken. My heart aches for her. I try to reach out to her, but the more I do, the more she withdraws from me. She doesn’t talk to me at all; she doesn’t even answer me when I show her concern by asking her if she has showered or eaten. She hasn’t smiled for the past month. All she does when she’s home from school is stare blankly into space with her headphones stuck in her ears. She won’t answer me when I ask her about her college applications.

Randall is the only child who seems to care about me, the only one whose sanity is still intact. He is the one staying by my side the whole time and making sure that I am okay. He is the only one who cares to ask whether I have eaten or slept and how I’m feeling. Even though he is grieving over the loss of his father too, he still cares for me and I really appreciate it. He tells me that he is interested in entering one of the Ivy League universities, although he has yet to decide which university to apply to.

_____________________________________________________________

Now in the middle of one of those lonely nights spent lying alone in bed and staring up at the ceiling, I let myself grieve. I look at the other side of the too huge king-sized bed, which seems so empty. Jack is supposed to be lying here beside me. I’m supposed to be cuddled up in our big comfortable bed with him, safe in his warm embrace. I miss being in his arms, snuggled up close to him, feeling the comfort of his heartbeat. Now the bed seems so empty and cold without him.

“Jack – you are supposed to be here” I whisper to the empty space beside me. Even now, I still sleep on the same side of the bed. Maybe I’m subconsciously hoping for Jack to appear beside me when I open my eyes in the morning. I sigh as I continue whispering. ‘'You’re supposed to be here for our children’s graduations. You’re supposed to be here for their weddings. You’re supposed to be here to see the birth of our grandchildren. We are supposed to grow old together.“

I close my eyes and feel a stray tear running down my cheek. Now Big Three Homes will remain a dream. Jack will never see our children get married. He won’t be present to walk Kate down the aisle on her wedding day if she gets married. He’ll never get to meet our future grandchildren if we have them. This is so unfair.

My mind wanders to Dr. K’s wise words which have made an impact on mine and Jack’s lives. "There’s no lemon so sour that you can’t make something resembling lemonade.” When Jack first told me about this quote, which Dr. K uttered to him in the hospital when the triplets were born and we lost Kyle, I thought it was a great quote indeed. We decided to use this quote as our life and family motto.

This quote was what got us through all the ups and downs of life, including the loss of Kyle, our 3rd triplet, and our marriage troubles just a couple of years ago. We made lemonade together. But now I have to do this alone, and I don’t think I can.

I then recall Dr. K’s encouraging words to me at the bench after Jack’s funeral. I had been trying to stay strong for too long, but I finally broke down at his words. He reminded me of my strength and reassured me that I could go on even when I thought I couldn’t. He told me that I not only made lemonade, but I made the sweetest lemonade ever. In my grief at that moment, I didn’t necessarily believe his words, but I clung to them like a lifeline. His words were what got me through the rest of the month. I kept on reminding myself that I must remain strong for the kids.

Another few stray tears roll down my cheeks as I wipe them away with the sleeve of my nightgown. I am alone; Kevin must be at Sophie’s – he hasn’t had a single meal with me ever since the night we scattered Jack’s ashes. Kate might be at a friend’s too – she has been avoiding me like a plague. And Randall is in his own room, fast asleep.

I feel so lonely indeed. Jack was the glue that kept the family together. Now after his death, it seems like our entire family just disintegrated. As more tears roll down, I recall the wonderful memories that Jack and I had built over the years. I recall the very first time I laid my eyes on him as I was singing ‘Moonshadow’. I almost stopped singing right then as my heart skipped a beat. I finished the song as my eyes never left him the entire time. As soon as I finished singing, I left the stage immediately and went over to say hello. We talked for hours that night, until the pub closed. Since then, we were inseparable. His proposal was simple but so unique and heartwarming. Our wedding, although simple, was one of the best days of my life. I felt like such a beautiful bride that day – Jack made sure I felt that way. We did everything together – we watched the Super Bowl together every year without fail. We entered parenthood, grieved through the loss of Kyle and adopted Randall together. We raised 3 children together in a happy and healthy environment. We changed diapers, cleaned up messes, kissed scrapped knees, hosted numerous birthday parties and mediated sibling squabbles together. We made numerous memories as a family. I remember Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving celebrations and how we were such a happy family. Even when we had a huge argument a couple of years ago, we still managed to make up and emerge from it stronger than ever. Friends have always mentioned that we were attached at the hip, and I don’t think I can argue with that.

I think this had mostly to do with Jack being the near perfect person he was. I know that no one is perfect, but he was the closest to perfect as a human can be. He always made sure to let me know every day how much he loved me and how much I meant to him through his words and actions. When we were courting, he made sure to bring me to the most romantic restaurants and shower me with the best gifts ever, even though I’m sure it must have burnt a hole in his pocket. I expressed my concerns about that, but he always brushed it off, saying that I deserve it. When I was pregnant with the triplets, he purchased our dream house- the house which was full of happy memories, joy and laughter, which ended up being burnt to the ground in an instant. Although the house is no longer physically there, the memories we created in the house will stay with me and the kids forever. When we brought the babies home from the hospital, although it wasn’t common for dads to help out with childcare during that time, he erased the stereotype right from the beginning by helping me to feed them and change their diapers and waking up in the middle of the night to soothe their cries. When the children were older, he was the fun parent, always suggesting fun things to do as a family, such as spontaneous road trips and vacations, which delighted them. When one of the children was upset, he would placate them in his own way. He had the talent of turning a pout into a grin in a matter of seconds. He had the knack of resolving squabbles between the siblings effortlessly. The times when I would lose my temper over a petty thing, he would put a smile back on my face almost right away. When the kids drove me up the wall, he knew how to calm me down. When he saw that I was fuming inside, he would make a joke or give me a hug or kiss and tell me how much he loved me, and I would cool down immediately. He was always so level-headed and even-tempered. He had such a big heart; he had shown time and time again that he would do anything for me and our kids, even climb mountains and swim across seas for us. He would even lay down his life for us, which was demonstrated so clearly when he tried to save me, Kate and Randall from the fire. To top it off, he just had to re-enter the house that night to save Kate’s dog and mementos that meant so much to us. Could he have survived had he not gone back into the house to save Kate’s dog and the mementos? No one knows for sure. What I know for sure is that nothing is going to bring him back.

“Jack, I don’t know how I can go on without you.” I whisper out loud. “I’m not strong enough to carry on living the rest of my life without you. I know I have to be strong for our kids, but I just can’t do this anymore.” I whimper as I let the tears continue to roll down my cheeks.

I take another glance at the oh so empty space beside me.

“I don’t know if you can hear or see me, but if you do, I need a sign that you’re ok.” I whisper again. I would give anything just to see his face and his smile, hear his voice and laughter, and feel the warmth of his touch one more time.

“I’m ok, Rebecca.” I hear Jack’s voice calling out from the dark. I am now sitting upright on the bed. Is this real? Am I hallucinating? Is that really Jack’s voice I am hearing?

“Jack!” I whisper as I turn frantically towards the direction of the voice.

There in the darkness he stands, my Jack, looking ever so handsome in the same shirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.

He is smiling at me, the smile which I miss so much.

“Jack”, I cry out, my words stuck in my throat. Is this really him, standing next to me?

“Jack, I…. I miss you so much.” I mutter, at loss of words to say to him. “ The kids miss you too. Kevin is barely at home, Kate hides in her room all the time, Randall is the only one who cares but I cannot burden him anymore… Jack, I just can’t do this without you. I’m not strong enough to face life without you. I need you. The kids need you. Why did you have to leave?!”

“You can do this, Rebecca. I know you can. I have full faith in you. You’re the strongest and most remarkable woman I know.” Jack encourages me in his ever-soothing voice.

“ But I need you by my side. We’re supposed to grow old together!” I cry out.

“I know, and we’ll still age together. I’m still here with you – I’m here in your heart.” he says, pointing to his heart. I’ll live in the memories we shared together, and through our children. I love you so much Rebecca, more than you’ll ever know. You and the kids are my whole life. So you have to be strong for the kids. Let them know that I love them so much too. Let Kevin know that I forgive him, and not to beat himself up over our last argument and that he makes me proud. Tell Kate that she’ll be such an amazing singer, and that she shouldn’t care so much about what others think of her, because she’s already wonderful as she is. Tell Randall that he has such great potential and will go on to do incredible things in life. Tell all 3 of them that I’m so proud of them.“

"You’re supposed to tell them yourself!” I sob. “You’re supposed to be here to see the 3 of them graduate high school and send them off to the college of their choices.”

“ I’ll be there during their graduation. Just picture me smiling proudly at them. I know I’ll be so proud of them. We raised 3 incredible kids, Rebecca.” Jack points out, smiling.

“ We did it together. And now I can’t do this alone.” I sob again.

“You’re not alone, Rebecca. I’m here with you. Just look out for any signs which bring a smile to your face – a butterfly, a rainbow, a blooming flower. I’ll be here with you always.” he says.

I look at him for comfort and he just smiles and shows me his perfect teeth.

I wish he would touch my shoulder in a comforting gesture and pull me into a warm embrace like he usually does, but this time he doesn’t.

I reach out my hand to touch him, but touch cold air instead.

Meanwhile, he is beginning to fade slowly into the background.

“Jack!” I cry out. I am losing him all over again and it breaks my heart.

“No…no… Jack!!” I cry louder, as I reach my hand out even further, clinging to his presence.

But it’s too late – he’s gone.

I stare into the darkness where he stood just a moment ago, before I dissolve into uncontrollable sobs. Why did he have to leave me?!

I sob and sob until I feel someone shaking me.

“Mom?” I hear Randall’s voice calling me.

“Mom?” he calls out again as he shakes me awake.

“Huh?” I groggily reply as I rub off sleep from my eyes.

“ I was wondering whether you are ok, because it’s already 11 am. You never slept in until this late before.” Randall says, a tone of concern in his voice. “Are you ok?”

“Mom are you crying?” he asks before I can answer him.

“Yes, I was dreaming about your dad.” I tell him, sniffling. “ He looked so handsome, wearing the same shirt he wore the last time we saw him. He told me to tell you that you have so much potential and will go on to do incredible things in life and that he’s so proud of you and your siblings. He also told me how strong I am. I miss him so much, Randall.” I say, my voice cracking.

I can see Randall’s eyes begin to water, and a downcast expression on his face.

“ I know Mom, I really miss him too.” he says.

“ He’s supposed to see you graduate and go to an Ivy League university.” I say, as tears begin rolling down my cheeks again.

Randall takes a seat on the bed beside me and pulls me close for a hug. Feeling the warmth of his embrace, I miss being in Jack’s arms even more. I begin to let go of all the emotions I’ve been hiding inside and sob in his arms. I sob and sob, letting go of all the grief, despair and anguish I feel over losing Jack, and the loneliness and emptiness which losing my soulmate and companion for life left in my heart. We sit in that position for a long time, clinging on tight to each other for support. We need each other to fill the void that losing Jack left in our lives. We need to stay strong for each other.

**This is it guys, my first ever This Is Us fic. Please do let me know what you think, ok – feedback in any form- be it reblogs with comments, notes, asks, direct messages, etc. are very welcome. I would really love to hear from you all <3**

**P.S. Do stay tuned for the POVs of each of the Big Three shortly after Jack’s death**


	2. My Number One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How teenage Kevin deals with the aftermath of his father's death

Hey guys- this is chapter 2 of my fic, set shortly after Jack's death. In the first chapter, we saw how Jack's death affected Rebecca, now we'll see how it affected Kevin.

One month after Jack's death

Kevin's POV

I stare blankly at the TV screen in front of me. It is showing an episode of ‘Friends,’ which is one of my favorite shows and never fails to cheer me up. Today though, my mind just isn't on the show. 

Instead, my mind keeps wandering back to the last words I said to my father. My words were so hurtful, and I know I can't take them back, no matter how much I want to. As much as I want to apologize to my dad for the upsetting things I've said to him, it's too late now. He's gone, burnt into ashes which are scattered under a tree. He'll never know how sorry I am for the distressing things I've said to him the night before his death and prior to that. I'll never be able to make amends with him, and this thought eats me up inside.

I'm never the type to show my emotions, being extremely good at hiding them. I'm a born actor- I hide my real emotions behind a mask which I present to the world every day. I seem fine on the outside - but inside, I am broken. 

I haven't shed a single tear since my father's death a month ago. Concerned family members, friends and relatives have asked me whether I am ok, and each time I answer that I am fine. Maybe it was more to convince myself than them that I'm fine. The reality is, I am broken and grieving deep down inside, but I do not want to let them know that. 

In just a matter of months, life as I knew it turned upside down. Just a few months ago I was the star of the school football team. I lead the team to numerous victories and was recommended by my team coach as a candidate for football scholarships at prestigious universities throughout the country. My heart was set on going to Notre Dame and I knew that I was practically guaranteed a spot (not due to my mediocre grades, but due to my prowess on the football field). I was supposed to be well on my way to playing in the Super Bowl, instead of just watching it on TV. I was on the path to achieving that dream of mine. I was in my prime. The entire school looked up to me -- I was the school's hope to win the interschool football championship. Boys wanted to be like me, and girls wanted to be with me. I was one of the most popular guys in school.

Then this all came to an abrupt end with one stupid knee injury. This life-altering injury occurred in just a split second. One moment I was running with the ball, and the next moment I was lying on the ground, wincing in pain and holding my knee. I think I could hear my knee pop as it gave way from under me. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. But even more agonizing than the physical pain was the emotional anguish I felt when I was informed that I would be unable to play football anymore. When dad conveyed the doctor's words to me, I felt my whole world crash down on me. My entire livelihood was gone. Before that, I lived and breathed football. All my future hopes and dreams had been built on the prospect of being able to play in the Super Bowl one day. Now, all my hopes and dreams are dashed. I have nothing left in the future to hope for or look forward to.

My parents tried to convince me to apply to a community college, but I refused. I was supposed to play football at Notre Dame or another a prestigious university well known for its football program, not some stupid community college! I think I would rather die than go to community college. I know I disappointed my parents when I angrily voiced my opinion to them. But I didn't care anymore. I stopped caring about anything.

Just when I thought life couldn't throw me any more curveballs and bring me down any further, when I thought I couldn't lose any more things in my life, I lost my beloved dad. 

I had a heated argument with my parents the night of the fire. It was the first time in my whole life that I didn't watch the Super Bowl with my family. Prior to that, the entire family would never miss a single Super Bowl game together. It was a family tradition. I was just so pissed off with my life. I hated my foot in an uncomfortable cast and limping around on crutches, and I detested having to depend on my family to do certain things for me. Most of all, I hated the fact that I would never be able to pursue my passion and dream anymore. 

I was attending a party with Sophie the fateful night of the fire. I remember Kate finding me asleep in my car after the party and breaking the news to me. She was sobbing uncontrollably and I just held her to my chest while balancing on my crutches, trying to comfort her. I didn't cry- maybe I was still in too much shock and disbelief, or maybe I wanted to stay strong for my sister, who was falling apart in my arms. It was only when I attended Dad's funeral did it sink in for me that it was real -- Dad was really gone. Also, the childhood house I grew up in with my siblings was gone, totally burnt down to the ground. Now, not only was my dream and livelihood taken away from me- but my dad and the only home I had ever known as well. Life sucks so bad, doesn't it? Deep down inside my heart was one black empty hole. I had lost almost everything in my life; I have nothing else left to lose.

Of course, I find it hard to believe. Dad, my invincible dad, the one who I looked up to and secretly hoped to be one day is gone. The last time I saw him he was in totally good health. Now, I would give anything just to see him again. I can't take back the hurtful words I said to him the night before or the times before that. I've to admit, I wasn't the easiest child to deal with. I was always angry and resentful of Randall and know that I was awful to him, despite Dad constantly asking me to treat him better as he is my brother. I would give anything for a chance to apologize to Dad and make amends with him. Yes, he might have been tough with me at times, but maybe it’s because he placed so much hope in me as his firstborn. Although he seldom said it out loud, I know how proud he was of me. I am still beating myself up over the fact that Dad never knew how sorry I am over the nasty words I said to him the night before, and how sorry I am for hurting his feelings. Yes, mom would have conveyed my message to him, but it just wasn't the same as me telling him face to face. Now he'll never know, he'll never hear my apology. If only I had accepted Mom's offer to talk to Dad on the phone that night and hear his voice one last time. If only I had stayed at home that night and spent time with him during his last night on earth. 

Knowing Dad, he wouldn't want me to feel guilty about it. I know he would forgive me and is proud of me. Or that is what I want to believe.

_______________________________________________________________

I am still wallowing in my thoughts when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to face Sophie, who is sitting beside me. She smiles at me, showing me her perfect smile as she holds my hand and squeezes it in a comforting gesture.

We both sit in silence, with the laughter of the audience in the TV and Chandler's voice forming background noise. No words need to be uttered between us. After being together for so many years, we both understand each other's emotions and can communicate with each other with just our eyes, gestures and body language.

She is my only source of comfort in times of grief like this. She has been providing me support and solace when my family can't. Mom, Randall and Kate are grieving too, so it isn't fair to place more grief upon them. I am spending more time at Sophie's nowadays, to escape from the gloomy atmosphere surrounding my family. I feel so comfortable with Sophie -- I can pour my entire heart and soul to her and she would just listen to me without ever judging me. Her parents are very supportive too- offering me comfort and giving me and Sophie space when we need it.

Unfortunately, we can't be in this close proximity for much longer. Sophie is going to NYU this fall, while I will be going to some stupid community college, which I still haven't filled out the application form for. Yes, I know that we can communicate via email, but it isn't the same as being able to see her in person, smell her scent and feel the warmth of her touch. We'll be miles apart, and it will be hard for us to visit each other.

Now though, I am trying to spend as much time with her as possible, and cherish every single moment I have with her by my side. 

If there is one thing that life has taught me over the past few months, it is the fact that nothing in life is permanent. Anything you love can be taken away from you in an instant.

Our eyes meet as I return her smile and squeeze her hand in return. 

My free hand inadvertently touches the pendant I am wearing. It isn't just any necklace – it has a deep significance. My dad gave it to me as a gift when I injured my knee a few months before he died. I was totally heartbroken when dad broke the news to me that the doctor said I would never be able to play football again. Sensing my devastation, he said that I have a beautiful talent, but he knew in his gut that it’s not the only one I have. He reached for a pendant on a chain he has always worn, and he said that it’s the Buddhist symbol of purpose, and someone in Vietnam gave it to him at a very hopeless time in his life. He put it around my neck and said that he was feeling very lost when he got it, but he put it on and moved forward. He told me that he was wearing it the day that I was born, and when I came out, “his Number One,” for the first time it hit him like a bolt of lightning – I was his purpose. And he reassured me that I would find my purpose too. I didn't know which made me tear up- the fact that I wouldn't be able to play football anymore, or dad's proclamation, or the necklace or a combination of all of these. Having said these words that were so meaningful to me, he gave me a warm hug and kissed me on the cheek. Little did I know that this was the last embrace we would ever have.

"Still thinking about your dad huh? " Sophie's soft voice brings me back to the present as she puts a comforting arm around me.

"Yeah," I reply, as I continue fiddling with the pendant absent-mindedly.

A moment of silence passes between us before Sophie speaks again. " I'm so sorry, Kevin. I know how hard it must be for you. Your dad was such a great and wonderful man."

"Yes, he was." I answer. ' Great and wonderful are such understatements to describe him,' I think to myself. 

"You know, you can talk to me about it. I can see it in your eyes and your expression that you're missing him now. I'm here. You can tell me everything about him, what you miss about him, all the wonderful memories you had with him. When my grandpa passed away, talking about memories of him helped," Sophie offers as she adjusts to a more comfortable position on the couch and turns to face me. “I can listen all night."

What should I tell her? Should I tell her that I still harbor this guilt within me about the argument I had with Dad the last time I saw him? That I would love to take back all the cruel things I've said to him and all the silly things I've done to make him mad at me over the years? During his funeral, well-meaning guests have told me that he would be so proud of me, looking down at me from heaven. I wonder how he can be proud of such a son as me? All I did when he was still alive was cause him so much anger, embarrassment and grief. I remember how mad he was at me when I was rude to the scout from Pittsburgh University. I was so damn cocky because I already knew that I was destined to go to Notre Dame and play in the Super Bowl. It took a crushing knee injury and the loss of a parent for me to realize that we can never take things in life for granted. 

Now the guilt is eating away at me.

"I remember him telling you to get me home safely whenever it was late at night. I remember him always asking me how my day was whenever he saw me, and always giving me a smile and cracking a joke sometimes. He always made me feel welcome in the family," Sophie starts when I don't reply her.

‘You think you knew my dad huh? There are still so many things you didn't know about him. Like how he favored Kate and would always give in to her but was always so tough and strict with me. I don't know why. Probably it was because I'm his firstborn and parents always expect a lot from their firstborn child. He struggled with alcohol addiction too. He wasn't perfect, Sophie. But he was as close to perfect as a dad can be. He knew how to cheer us up when we were feeling down, and when we siblings got into fights, or when we got into an argument with Mom, he would always know how to diffuse the situation,' was what I wanted to say.

"What do you want to know about my dad? Why are you so interested in him?!" I snap. "You don't really know him, only what you see from the outside."

Sophie seems taken aback by my sudden outburst. 

"I'm sorry, I just thought that you needed someone to talk to, to handle your grief about your dad. I've learned that talking to someone helps to handle the grieving process," she says meekly.

"Yeah, I know. I just… don't want to talk about him right now ok? Right now we should focus on us and cherish our remaining time together before you go to NYU," I say. 

"Ok," Sophie replies, a tone of sadness in her voice as she proceeds to rest her head on my chest and I pull her close to me. 

We sit in that position for a long time, letting Rachel's voice fill the silence in the air. The TV audience is laughing when Rachel says something hilarious, but neither Sophie or I crack up.

"You can come to NYU with me," Sophie suggests suddenly.

"What? No, I can't! My grades aren't good enough!" I exclaim incredulously.

"Why do you always say you're not good enough?" Sophie asks exasperatedly. "Who told you so? Your parents?"

I sigh deeply. She does have a point here, she always does. 

"Sophie, we have to be realistic here. Before my injury, all I cared about was football and my grades suffered as a result. The highest grades I get are Cs -- do you really think the university will accept me?"

Sophie remains silent as she stares at Monica on the TV screen. 

"I just don't want to be far away from you," she admits.

"I know. Me neither," I say sadly as I hug her close to me.

"But we can always keep in touch, right? I mean there is the internet and email now," she says as she looks up at me and our eyes meet.

"Of course we can," I say as I let her snuggle closer to me. "How lucky we are that we now live in the era of the internet where we can now communicate with each other, no matter how far apart we are? No more waiting for weeks for mail like our ancestors did. I'll work all summer to buy the latest Nokia mobile phone to contact you."

"But it just isn't the same," Sophie insists. "Reading your words and hearing your voice just isn't the same as seeing you face to face, feeling your touch and snuggling close to you."

"I know- but I'll visit you often ok? I'll drive the many miles to see you every weekend," I promise.

"You promise? "Sophie asks, as she looks at me straight in the eye.

"Yes, pinky promise," I say earnestly as I extend my pinky finger and she links hers with mine.

Just then, the house phone rings and Sophie picks it up.

I listen to her having a brief casual conversation with the other person on the line before she hands the phone receiver over to me.

"It's Kate, "she whispers.

"Kate?" I wonder why my sister would call Sophie's house at night when she hasn't been talking to Sophie for months.

"Kev- I need you to come home." Kate's voice is quivering on the other end of the line.

Alarm bells are now ringing in my head. 

" Are you ok? Is mom ok? Is Randall ok? " I ask. I can hear the panic in my voice.

"Yes, we're all ok. I just… need you, " Kate answers. I think I can hear her sniffling. She doesn't need to say much. I don't need to ask her why she doesn’t go to mom or Randall. I know that now Dad is gone, our twin bond means that I'm the closest family member she has left.

"Ok, I'll be right there, Kate. Just wait for me ok? "I reassure her.

"Ok," came her muffled reply.

"I've gotta go now," I say to Sophie after I hang up the phone. "I'll see you tomorrow at school ok? Then I'll come over right after school," I promise as I give her an affectionate peck on the cheek and a passionate kiss on the lips.

"Ok- you go be with Kate. She needs you. You guys need each other," Sophie agrees.

_______________________________________________________________

When I reach home - well the house we rented since our old house burnt to the ground - the entire house is silent. Silence, this has been the theme for my family since dad's death. Everything is so quiet. The room that Randall and I share is empty. Randall must be at Alison's. I creep over to Mom's bedroom, not hearing a single sound being emitted from the room. I slowly creak open the bedroom door to find her fast asleep, hugging the pillow on the empty side of the bed. It pains me to see her sleeping like this- still sleeping on her side of the bed, as if expecting Dad to reappear beside her at any moment.

I don't want to disturb her, as I don't want her to wake up to harsh reality again. She might be dreaming about dad, and I don't want to interrupt that dream of hers if that is so.

I gently close the door behind me and make my way to Kate's bedroom where I suppose she is now. As I approach her room, I can hear loud sniffling noises coming from inside. I pause outside the bedroom door and press my ear against the door. The sniffling grows louder until it becomes sobbing. Feeling my heart break for her, I knock on the door.

"Kate?" I call out. The sobbing continues.

"Kate?" I call again, louder this time. The sobbing now stops.

"Kevin?" her voice is muffled from inside the room. She might be burying her head in the pillows.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

"Ok," came the muffled answer.

I slowly open the door of her room to find her sitting on her bed, cuddling her puppy close to her. The puppy is also whimpering, sensing its owner's sad emotions.

Kate slowly looks up at me with tear stained cheeks and watery eyes. 

'I miss dad so much,‘ her eyes seem to say.

Without saying a word, I sit down beside her and pull her into a hug as she rests her head on my shoulder and continues sobbing.

Yes, she might have been Dad's favorite child, or that is what I led myself to believe. But that doesn't matter now as both of us are grieving the loss of our beloved father together.

 

Ok, that's it for this chapter- comments, reviews and messages are very much appreciated. Do let me know what you guys think- I would really love to hear from you all!! <3 <3 

P.s. Do stay tuned for Kate and Randall's POVs


	3. Painful Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month after Jack's death, from Kate's POV

**Painful Goodbyes**

**Hey guys- I'm back with a brand new chapter for my This Is Us series, set one month after Jack's death.**

**Kate's POV**

I open my eyes to the sound of pitiful whimpering. As I look around, the room is still pitch dark. As my eyes become accustomed to the dark, I spot the source of the noise. My dog Louis is sitting up in his basket in the corner of the room. We lock eyes and he lets out another sad whimper.

I look at the alarm clock beside my bed and sigh. 4 am in the morning. What does he probably want?

" What do you want, Louis?" I ask him softly. " Are you hungry? Do you need to go to pee?"

He perks up in his basket, pleased at having gotten my attention, and wags his tail.

I reluctantly get out of bed and trudge to the kitchen of the rented house, with him following me close behind. I open the back door for him to go out to do his business. He dashes out almost immediately, and I pour some dog treats into his bowl. He bounds back into the kitchen after a moment and gobbles down the treats eagerly. Sometimes, I wish I were a dog. Dogs are always happy all the time, no matter the circumstances.

I stroke his back gently as I watch him devour his meal. A heavy feeling enters my heart. He is an innocent dog and doesn't deserve this. No. It's not his fault- I tell myself.

I just can't bear to look at Louis anymore. Every time I look at him, I have a flashback reminding me of how my beloved Dad lost his life trying to save him. Before that tragic night, Louis was the center of my life. All my love and attention was focused on Louis. Now, seeing Louis is just a painful reminder of the fact that I've lost my dad.

I can still remember very vividly my screams of terror as I heard Louis barking for help from inside the burning house, and as I watched Dad rush back into the burning flames of the house. I was so shaken up, so upset that Louis was trapped in the house and would be burnt alive. Dad surprised me by running back into the house, despite Mom's protests. In retrospect, I have no idea why he had to go back into the house. Mom, Randall and I were all safe. Yes, he managed to save Louis and the important family documents, but at what cost? It cost him his life! I can't help but wonder daily each time I look at Louis- would Dad still have been alive had he not gone back in? I love them both, but if I had to choose between them, I would choose Dad for sure. Mom had mentioned that Dad died of smoke inhalation. Had he not gone back into the house, he would have inhaled the same amount of smoke as me, Randall and Mom. We survived and he should have as well.

I know that Dad saved Louis for my sake because he loved me and didn't want to see me heartbroken. But what he didn't realize back then was that I would be even more devastated to lose him.

The familiar feelings of anger and guilt overtake me the longer I look at Louis. Because of him, I have lost my beloved Dad - who was my best friend, confidante, most loyal supporter. I have lost my livelihood.

Life is not worth living anymore when you have lost the only person who tells you that you're perfect just the way you are. Everyone else, my friends and even my mom tell me that I need to lose more weight.

I remember the day before his death- I was recording a video for my application into university. Dad was secretly using his video camera to record me singing. When I turned around and realized that he was recording me, I was extremely pissed off. Why would he do such a thing- recording me singing without my consent? He was embarrassing me!

Looking back now, I'm so glad that he did it. The video is an evidence of his time here on earth, a proof that I have been loved by the best Dad ever. I have been replaying the video's tape recording so many times for the past month. Seeing the proud look on his face in the video as he recorded me is what has gotten me through this past month. Somehow seeing Dad in person, even if just on video, helps fill the void in my heart. It is cathartic indeed to be able to see Dad smiling proudly at me while holding his camera. In a strange way, replaying that video recording again and again makes me feel like he is always here with me, looking out for me.

Watching this video also made me realize how genuinely proud he was of me. When my friends in school laughed at me and called me fat, I returned home upset. Dad, always the one to sense my downcast mood, would ask me what's wrong, and I would open up to him. With Dad, there was nothing to hide. He would then comfort me by saying that it doesn't matter what they say- for him I'm beautiful, and that was all that mattered. Once, in third grade, when I came back crying after a few girls in the class wouldn't play with me as they thought I was fat and ugly- Dad actually took the matter into his hands and approached the girls, nicely telling them that what they were doing wasn't right. They never did bully me after that.

He would also always diffuse the tension between me and mom. Mom and I have a rocky relationship. I always feel like she expects me to be as perfect and beautiful as her. I am not and never will be. I always feel like she thinks I am not a good enough singer and can't sing as well as her. I've to admit, deep down inside I'm always jealous of the fact that she is so gorgeous. Even when I tried to starve myself to the point of eating only salad daily, I could never be as slender as her.

My relationship with Dad though is different. With Dad, I felt like I am free to be my true, authentic self. With him, I did not need to pretend to be anyone I was not. There were many instances where I would get into an argument with Mom, over a dress which I couldn't fit in or an off-handed remark she would make about my appearance which would trigger my fury. Dad would always manage to diffuse the situation by calming both me and Mom down individually. Now, there is no one to mediate my arguments with Mom.

Now with Dad gone, I'll also miss the impromptu ice cream sessions I had with him. When I was younger, whenever I got upset when Mom mentioned that I needed to watch my weight, Dad would cheer me up by bringing me to our favorite ice cream parlor in town, called Frenchies. It offers a wide variety of ice cream flavors, and I loved sampling a different combination of flavors each time. Dad, on the other hand, loved the banana pudding flavor. Over ice cream, Dad would then tell some jokes which would send me cracking up in fits of laughter and forget about the reason I was upset earlier on.

Also, I can never forget the time I was waiting for the bus to a private signing session with Alanis Morrissette. I love her songs and really wanted to meet her in person. When I found out that she was coming to town, I knew that I had to go meet her and get her autograph or a picture with her. When I saw Dad pulling up, my heart sank as I knew that I would be busted for skipping school. It turned out that he was the most sporting Dad ever, giving me a ride right to the studio where Alanis was meeting her fans. It was a secret between us which Mom never found out about.

I am always Dad's little girl, no matter how old I am. I was, am and always will be his little ‘Katie girl.' He made me believe in myself and never gave up on me.

Louis has finished gobbling up his treat and is now looking up at me with pleading eyes, as if begging for more. I just cannot bear to look at those eyes anymore.

I fill up his bowl with another round of treats. I am going to spoil him now, because this will be his last day with me. I've made up my mind, I can't keep him any longer.

"I'm sorry, Louis," I whisper as I gently stroke his back as he continues devouring his food. "I'm so sorry."

He pauses for a moment to look up from his food and wag his tail at me, before returning his attention back to the food.

This gesture of his makes me feel even more guilty about the decision I've made.

I return back to my room with Louis trailing right behind me. As Louis settles into his basket again, I sit up on my bed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. I haven't been sleeping much for the past month, because every time I fall asleep, images of that fateful night- the fire, my horrified screams, the smell of smoke, and my terror of seeing Dad running back into the burning house would come back to haunt me.

_______________________________________________________________

**Later in the morning**

I am chewing absent-mindedly on my piece of toast, thinking about how to say goodbye to Louis. It is going to be heartbreaking for me to separate from this loyal dog who gave me licks and tail wags when I'm feeling down. However, I know that it has to be done. If I'm ever going to keep my sanity intact, I have to let go of this dog.

It is a weekend, so I plan to walk him straight to the pet adoption center about 15 minutes away from home right after breakfast.

" Hey." Mom greets me as she enters the kitchen and proceeds to pour two cups of coffee, one of each of us. She then takes a seat beside me.

" Hey." I greet her back, still munching on my toast and not looking at her. I just can't bear to look at the sadness in her eyes and the grief on her face.

" Do you have anything planned for today?" she asks. " Like going out with friends or something? Kevin was staying the night at Sophie's, and Randall is going to Alison's later."

What?! Mom do you expect me to just go on with life like normal after all that has happened?! Life isn't the same anymore, and I can't possibly pretend that it is!

" Nothing much. I'm just taking the dog out for a walk." I answer casually.

" Well, that's good. You need to get some fresh air. It's good for you." Mom approves.

" What do you mean by that?!" I shoot back suddenly.

Mom lifts her hands up in a defensive gesture.

" I'm just saying that you need to get some fresh air," she repeats in a cautious tone.

" Stop telling me what I need to do! You've been telling me what to do my whole life, and I'm sick and tired of it. Ok? Stop telling me what I can or cannot become, Mom. Just back off and leave me alone." I retort.

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry." Mom apologizes. I think I can hear a quiver in her voice, but I can't bear to bring myself to look at her. Looking at her would only make me feel worse.

" It's ok, Mom. I'm going to bring the dog out for a walk now." I mutter.

Just then, Randall enters the kitchen.

" Morning Mom, Kate.' he greets us.

" You want me to come with you?" he offers as he sees me placing the leash on Louis.

" It's ok, you stay with Mom," I answer before walking out of the door, leaving Mom in the kitchen with her favorite son.  
_____________________________________________________________

Fifteen minutes later, I am at the animal shelter.

" Hey" a pleasant looking middle-aged lady greets me. " How may I help you?" she asks.

" Hey- this is my dog, Louis," I say- gesturing at him, as she bends down to give him a pat on the head.

" Hey Louis." she greets him cheerfully as he wags his tail at her.

" He's such a friendly dog." she points out as I nod in agreement.

" Yes, he is," I say. " It's a good thing that he is friendly because I can't keep him any longer."

" Oh, why not?" she asks, a sympathetic tone in her voice.

For a moment, I am tempted to tell her the truth, that I just can't continue to be reminded of Dad each time I look at the dog, but I know that I'll break down in front of her, a complete stranger, if I mention Dad.

" I just can't afford to take care of him anymore." I lie. " I'm sure there are many people who are better equipped to care for him."

" Ok. Well, are you sure about this, young lady? Because once we take him in, you can't take him back anymore. So you need to be completely sure that you want to surrender him to us." she confirms with me.

Louis looks at me as our eyes meet. He has a pitiful look in his eyes, as if he senses that I am giving him away and he's silently begging for me to keep him. To add to my guilt, he cocks his head to one side, a gesture which I have always found adorable.

For a split second, I consider retracting my statement and telling her that I don't want to give Louis away after all.

I look away from both Louis and the shelter keeper, trying to blink back the tears that are starting to fill my eyes.

" Yes," I answer firmly, trying to hide the quiver in my voice.

Louis lets out a woeful whimper.

" Ok, we'll take him in. I'm sure we can find him a suitable owner, he'll be in good hands." the lady smiles at me as she takes the leash from my hands.

Louis whimpers again as he looks at me.

Fighting back tears, I bend down to pat him on the head one last time.

"It's ok Louis, you will find another home, a better home. You'll find someone who will love you and take good care of you. You'll be ok. You'll be ok." I whisper gently to him as I stroke his back and pat his head.

He licks me on the face. I think he can sense that this is goodbye.

I need to leave this place as soon as possible before I change my mind.

" Bye Louis," I say as I stand up, give him a final pat and turn around to walk away.

" Say bye." I hear the lady telling him.

As I walk towards the door, I can hear Louis barking, begging for me to turn back to get him.

With tears now freely rolling down my cheeks, I walk out of the door.

_______________________________________________________________

An hour later, I'm at Frenchies, where Dad and I loved to hang out.

" Hey, Kate- haven't seen you for quite some time. What flavor would you like today?" the guy at the counter, Nick, asks.

" Chocolate and vanilla flavor, please," I answer politely, and he proceeds to make my ice cream.

" Here you go," he says as he returns with my order a few moments later. " Where is your Dad? You usually come with him."

" He's gone," I say with a flat tone of voice.

Nick gasps as he covers his mouth and a sorrowful look overtakes him.

" I'm so sorry, Kate. I didn't know. My deepest condolences to you and your family," he says, a sympathetic tone in his voice. " How are you coping? Are you ok?"

" I'm fine," I lie, as I pay for the ice cream and take it from him.

" Ok," he says, catching my signal not to probe any further.

I proceed to the usual table where Dad and I used to sit. Somehow, even though the place was always full, the table seemed to always be available for the both of us. It was as if the table was specially reserved for us.

I settle down in my usual seat and take a tiny scoop of the ice cream. It somehow doesn't taste as good as when Dad is sitting opposite of me, savoring his banana pudding ice cream.

I glance longingly at the empty seat opposite of mine, the seat which Dad used to occupy. The empty chair symbolizes the current empty feeling in my heart.

Even eating ice cream at my favorite hang out spot isn't the same anymore without Dad.

I remember how Dad and I used to sit here and talk for hours here whenever I had an argument with Mom. Now, there is no one for me to eat ice cream with, no one to cheer me up when I'm feeling angry or upset, no one to make me laugh.

" Kate!"

A familiar voice pulls me back to the present.

I see Randall and Alison approaching my table.

"Hey," I greet shyly as I shake Alison's hand. She is a nice girl, but not someone I would typically hang out with.

" Are you ok?" Randall asks me as he places a hand on my shoulder.

It is taking me a lot of strength to stop tears from rolling down my cheeks again.

Damn you, Randall. Why do you have to do this? You know very well that this is mine and Dad's favorite hangout place. Why do you have to make this caring gesture which can cause me to break down in public at any minute?

" Yeah, I'm fine," I reply meekly.

Randall, having known me for our entire lives, sees right through my lie.

" No, you're not," he states matter-of-factly.

He turns to Alison.

"Ali- I'm bringing Kate home now. You can come along with us." he offers.

" It's ok- I'll call Nicole to pick me up from here," she says as she smiles sympathetically at me.

" Ok- I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." Randall says as he gives her a quick and affectionate peck on the cheek.

" Come, let's go home," he says as he places an arm around my shoulder as we walk out of the place.

_______________________________________________________________

Half an hour later, both Randall and I are settled on the couch in the living room of our rented house.

A tense silence passes between us as we stare at the blank TV screen.

" You gave the dog away," he says disbelievingly.

" Yes," I answer nonchalantly.

" Why, Kate?" he asks. " Why did you do that? The dog is innocent."

" I know he is! I just can't keep him any longer, because every time I see him, I am reminded of how Dad gave his life by going into the burning house to save him!" I snap.

" I'm sorry," I mutter, realizing that I am answering too harshly. " I did what I had to."

" It's ok," Randall says calmly. " I know you're angry and upset about Dad. I am too."

" Why did he have to go?" I ask as I look at him sorrowfully.

“ I don’t know. What I do know is that he is in a better place now, and it’s not Louis’s fault. Dad ran back into the house because he knew you loved Louis and he loved you,” he says.

I remain silent, as I purse my lips together, trying to stop myself from crying.

“ I miss Dad so much," I admit, my voice shaking. “He used to sit opposite me in the ice cream place. It just isn’t the same anymore without him. I miss Louis too.” I add ruefully.

“I know, I miss Dad too,” Randall says as he places a comforting arm around my shoulder, and I lean on his shoulder for support. “I sort of miss Louis too. He always greeted me cheerfully at the door whenever I return home.”

We sit in that position for a long moment, the sweet memories of Dad playing in our minds.

“ Hey- do you want to watch a rerun of Sex In The City?” Randall suggests.

“Ok.” I nod, smiling at him. I feel much better already, just having him by my side.

We sit side by side on the couch, indulging ourselves in our guilty pleasure, relying on each other for support and company in this tough time. Although I have lost my beloved Dad, I am grateful that I still have my brothers and my mom to depend on.

 

**Alright- that’s it for this chapter. Comments, reviews, reblogs and messages are very much appreciated. I would love to hear from you all! <3 Do stay tuned for Randall’s POV!**


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